Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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