Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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