my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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