Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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