I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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