yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
