My friends, they love my intelligence
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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