i would punch a child for taco bell
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Randomize
