Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
