So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
