if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
