I should be sponsored by Trojan
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
