Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
