im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
