Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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