Cold hands, warm shart.
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
