hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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