She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
