dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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