i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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