Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
