I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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