not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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