every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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