I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
