can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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