I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
