dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize