That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Randomize
