Your face is a jimmy john
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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