I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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