hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
