oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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