some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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