I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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