I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
