Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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