I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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