I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
