Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize