she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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