I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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