apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
