Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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