Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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