Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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