when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
