So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
