I molested 6 butterflies tonight
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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