i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
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