My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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