Only a mothe r could love this liver
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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