He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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