totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
