I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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