she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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