before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
