the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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