IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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