She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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