Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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