When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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